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Groundhogs Cast Spell for Everlasting Winter

Updated: Apr 6, 2022

During a recent survey of a suspicious group of groundhogs, scientists discovered that they were actually studying a secret groundhog cult. Scientists created a translating device which let them speak to this mischievous group of woodchucks, and discovered they were known as the “Hibernation Hogs.” Scientists were too late to stop the groundhog cult from casting the spell for everlasting winter, but were able to get an interview with their shaman. When asked why he did it, he told us, “To be honest, I just really don't feel like dealing with the bugs. I hate mosquitoes and I wanted to stop them from coming back.” The shaman said, “I’ve also been watching a lot of Netflix lately and really don’t feel like going outside.”

While scientists are puzzled that groundhogs learned the dark arts— and even more so that the shaman got into the lead scientist’s Netflix account— we are left to wonder, how will this impact the world? How will we grow food? How will the economy change? How long have the groundhogs had a functioning society?!

While we humans are still trying to figure out how to recover from this change, the Capybaras are planning to cast a counterspell to bring back summer. We were able to get an interview with their leader and he had this to say, “I absolutely hate winter, it’s far too cold for me. And with how bad gas prices are now, I have to drive to work in a freezing cold car because I can’t afford to let it warm up in the morning.” The Capybara shaman says that it will take a few days to cast the spell, but he will bring summer back.

While we are all still extremely confused about what exactly is going on, we place our faith in the Capybaras. At this point I’m just giving up on making any sense out of this. All hail our new Capybara overlords.

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